Thursday, February 7, 2008


I could blame it on stress, or guilt, or winter, or PMS but I'll just be flat out honest. I am a hypocrite and maybe even a fraud. I tout health and nutrition and fitness but I am not practicing what I preach. I figure the way to beat my problem is to let it all hang out. Maybe knowing that all of you know my problem and can hold me accountable then I can beat this.

I am a closet eater, a binge eater, and have an addiction to food. There I said it. It probably all started in highschool when I was competing in gymnastics. I was looked at as the healthy, strong, an athletic ball of energy bouncing down the halls. I never ate breakfast back then and never ate lunch because I was embarrassed to eat in front of anyone. Then I would head to gymnastics practice for 4+ hours 5 days a week and eat an apple on the way then stick to water during practice. When I came home at 7pm nightly my Mom would have dinner waiting for me (which was always healthy food) and I would scarf it. Then I would find anything and everything to eat after dinner to fill my (maybe emotional) empty stomach.

Well things have changed a bit. I eat breakfast daily...sometimes twice. Lunch is a peanut butter sandwich on whole wheat with sugar free jelly and natural peanut butter. Snack time is Fiber One cereal with soy milk, and dinner is lean protein, steamed vegggies, and brown rice or wheat pasta. Sounds good, huh? Not so much. If I am feeling lonely, bored, stressed, guilty, cranky, depressed or angry I revert to my old self.

Binge eating is not just stuffing your face until you feel full and then you stop. Binge eating is when you know you are full yet you don't care and you can consume up to 3000 extra calories in one sitting. Sometimes I can control it. Sometimes I don't want to control it. But all the time I feel like a total failure and hypocrite. I do still exercise daily...pretty tough workouts too. It just doesn't seem to be right. I know some of you think I am fit as a fiddle and I hate to dissapoint.

I am laying it all out there to help myself. This is no longer my little secret. You all know now. This is almost a daily struggle and happens to pop up at the worst times. I no longer want to eat when full, I no longer want to eat just because no one is looking, and I no longer want to think about food every second of every day. Acknowleging that I have a problem is step ONE. Step TWO is admitting it to family and friends (you). And the next step is to take one day at a time doing just a little better each day.

Thank you for listening. Please don't think any less of me. Letting you know is hard. I am still a self proclaimed exercise queen and "tough girl" though. I just have some issues to work on.


Cammie said...

That was the most honest thing I have ever read. Don't feel bad, everyone has their own daily struggles. If it's not food, it's something else. You can count on me for support, just like I've counted on you to provide awesome work out tips and advice! In fact, check your email, I just sent you something that should cheer you up!

Kara said...

You know as well as I do that we all have things in our lives that we do almost on a daily basis that should probably be considered hypocritical. The fact that I run around looking like I am the happiest person on the earth, when really I am loathing myself on the inside is a very two faced thing to do. And you are completely right, the fist step is owning up to it! So here it is all of our dirty laundry out in the open in the blogosphere for others to see! But the good news is that it helps us get one step closer to addressing the real issue at hand and trying to find ways to deal with it. Remember I LOVE YOU and still think you are the epitomy fo fitness and health even though some days you are a binge eater. Maybe the next time you feel like doing it you should call me over so we can change the binge eating to a ridiculous looking turbo jam session or something like that!

Anonymous said...

You know what, Leisa? Your honesty is inspiring. Really. I think those of us that know you still look up to you for fitness and health advice. Admitting this issue makes you even stronger in my eyes. And it helps me to know that I'm not alone in somewhat similar struggles. Thanks for your honesty and courage. And while we've never just hung out together, you could always call me if you wanted to. You can email me for my number if you don't have it...sorry...not posting it here for the world to read! Hang in there and keep up the good work!!