HYPOCRITE

I could blame it on stress, or guilt, or winter, or PMS but I'll just be flat out honest. I am a hypocrite and maybe even a fraud. I tout health and nutrition and fitness but I am not practicing what I preach. I figure the way to beat my problem is to let it all hang out. Maybe knowing that all of you know my problem and can hold me accountable then I can beat this.

I am a closet eater, a binge eater, and have an addiction to food. There I said it. It probably all started in highschool when I was competing in gymnastics. I was looked at as the healthy, strong, an athletic ball of energy bouncing down the halls. I never ate breakfast back then and never ate lunch because I was embarrassed to eat in front of anyone. Then I would head to gymnastics practice for 4+ hours 5 days a week and eat an apple on the way then stick to water during practice. When I came home at 7pm nightly my Mom would have dinner waiting for me (which was always healthy food) and I would scarf it. Then I would find anything and everything to eat after dinner to fill my (maybe emotional) empty stomach.

Well things have changed a bit. I eat breakfast daily...sometimes twice. Lunch is a peanut butter sandwich on whole wheat with sugar free jelly and natural peanut butter. Snack time is Fiber One cereal with soy milk, and dinner is lean protein, steamed vegggies, and brown rice or wheat pasta. Sounds good, huh? Not so much. If I am feeling lonely, bored, stressed, guilty, cranky, depressed or angry I revert to my old self.

Binge eating is not just stuffing your face until you feel full and then you stop. Binge eating is when you know you are full yet you don't care and you can consume up to 3000 extra calories in one sitting. Sometimes I can control it. Sometimes I don't want to control it. But all the time I feel like a total failure and hypocrite. I do still exercise daily...pretty tough workouts too. It just doesn't seem to be right. I know some of you think I am fit as a fiddle and I hate to dissapoint.

I am laying it all out there to help myself. This is no longer my little secret. You all know now. This is almost a daily struggle and happens to pop up at the worst times. I no longer want to eat when full, I no longer want to eat just because no one is looking, and I no longer want to think about food every second of every day. Acknowleging that I have a problem is step ONE. Step TWO is admitting it to family and friends (you). And the next step is to take one day at a time doing just a little better each day.

Thank you for listening. Please don't think any less of me. Letting you know is hard. I am still a self proclaimed exercise queen and "tough girl" though. I just have some issues to work on.